I am, by either nature or by nurture, a very private person. I revel in being seen and described as inscrutable because I don't like for anyone to be able to read me - to tell what's going on inside my head. That's a whole other thing to explore - probably by a professional; but the point at this time is that this has made it difficult to maintain this blog or a handwritten journal or anything like that with something even approaching consistency. So for the first time in 30 months and the second time in 103, I'm writing a post. I will probably continue to infrequently come back to this because I'm told by those wiser than myself that getting my thoughts and feelings out of my head to any degree is better than not at all.
Sorry not sorry - I am who I am, and while I may someday do better, it will probably not be anytime all that soon. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I think the thing I miss the most about being married was the sense of certainty that having someone as MY person gave me. I had this internal swagger, a seemingly unshakable foundation built on the fact that no matter what happened - no matter the circumstances - no matter how bad it got, whatever life threw at US, we were going to be able to handle it. No matter what else got stripped away, we had each other, and that would be enough to help get our feet back under us, every time. I had a ride-or-die. I was a ride-or-die. And all the rest of everything else could fuck right off in comparison.
As it turns out, this was somewhat misplaced certainty. And my ability or even desire to achieve that level of one-ness and partnership again with anyone new aside, I had an interesting realization this weekend at church.
The Greek word used to describe the Holy Spirit when Jesus introduces the concept to his disciples is "paraclete," loosely translated as "one who comes alongside" - like an invaluable partner. That definition reminded me of maybe 8 years ago when I was first introduced to the Hebrew word "ezer kenegdo," translated from Genesis as "help-mate" in describing Eve's relationship to Adam. Both have a linguistic connotation of irreplacability, of that crucial X-factor without which the whole thing just doesn't work.
I think I've probably heard before that the meanings are similar - there's an implication that God's intention for the dynamics of a marriage relationship is comparable to the that of the Holy Spirit to the Christian. Understanding one helps you to understand the other. Or maybe it's just one of those things where you "get it" more once it's gone. But that foundational thing I miss from being married - maybe the lesson to take here is that God can fill that void with Himself. That's the way it's supposed to work. He's my ride-or-die too.
If I'm being honest, this all makes me sound way more spiritual than I actually am at this season in my life. The thought of that degree of intimacy with God honestly makes my skin crawl and my emotional walls snap into place. And I objectively know that nobody is more trustworthy than God, right? I apparently just know more deeply that nobody is actually trustworthy at all. So I need room to grow and change just like the rest of us. But realizations like this maybe are a step in the right direction?
I think it's gonna be alright.
Monday, October 22, 2018
Friday, April 24, 2015
The Ultimate Why
It is perhaps the ultimate philosophical question in human history. At some point in every person’s life, each individual can’t help but eventually ask, “Why am I here?” Men and women have pondered, meditated on, studied, and evaluated countless philosophies from around the world in an attempt to find an answer. While trying to balance avoiding cliché while still being all-encompassing, those many people have come up with equally as many reasons for why men and women go through the routines in their lives – from prayer and Bible reading to careers, hobbies and everything in between. Even on the campus of a Christian university, I witnessed a nearly unanimous, sometimes subconscious cry in the students for meaning, purpose, and direction. In my humble opinion, the best source for the answer to the ultimate question is the ultimate authority – the Creator. In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus states in a prayer to the Father: “Your kingdom come, Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.”(Matthew 6:10) Being of one mind with God the Father, Jesus gives his followers a glimpse into the collective goal of the Godhead; God wills that Earth gradually reflect Heaven more and more as time goes on. While examination of all the implications of Jesus’ statement is still needed, one truth is immediately evident. The purpose of human kind and the reason that we walk this planet is to advance the Kingdom of Heaven among humanity as a whole, in the church, and in the individual’s life.
The first place in which we must examine the furthering of the kingdom of heaven is the big picture – the world as a whole – in particular, those who are not yet citizens of the Kingdom of God. Some of Jesus’ last spoken words on earth were instructions to make the whole world His disciples (Matthew 28:19). God’s will is that every last person become one of His adopted children and an heir of the kingdom. This goal is accomplished by, among other things, verbal and demonstrative evangelism, generosity and service to the unbelieving world, praying for those who have not yet encountered God to be saved, and the creation of Christian community to which unbelievers might be attracted. As culture continues to evolve and the church continues to grow and change with it, new specific methods and venues are being tried all the time, but the actual goal itself remains the same.
Narrowing the focus somewhat, the second place in which the kingdom of heaven is to be advanced is the lives of existing believers. Those who have professed faith in Christ are to mature in their relationship with the Almighty and to eventually take over leadership roles. This is done through discipleship and mentorship, especially as laid out in the biblical book of Titus, wherein leaders in certain walks of life and service are instructed to train up those who follow them (Titus 2:1-8). This directive also comes from the Great Commission in Matthew 28. Disciples are not instantaneously created; it is an ongoing process. Teaching and learning biblical Truth, practicing servanthood, and ongoing inspiration from music and corporate messages all contribute to a community of disciples who are on a journey together to represent the kingdom of heaven in a tangible, visible way.
Finally, the place in which each person is able to take the most active role in advancing the kingdom of heaven is in his or her individual life. In the fifth chapter of his first epistle, the apostle John writes, “I write these things to you…so that you may know that you have eternal life.” Many sermons, articles, and debates have been conducted around the phrase “eternal life,” but I think that many of them miss the most important point by focusing on the wrong word. The fact that the life is eternal is not what makes it from God. What makes it divine, what makes it of the Kingdom is the fact that it is Life. Since we are in God’s image, we are inherently eternal beings. Jesus has some famous words that illustrate this point: “I have come that [you] might have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10) He does not simply wish for our state of being to continue on indefinitely; his aim is that we experience Life. Pastor Erwin McManus of Mosaic Church in Los Angeles, CA, puts it this way: “In the same way that Jesus describes ‘death’ as ‘sleeping,’ he would describe what we think of ‘life’ as ‘existence.’” Jesus intends for us to live in a way that transcends the ordinary human experience. As a Christian, my life is meant to be characterized by passion, peace, joy, genuine and healthy relationships, consistency, and loving responsibility for everything in my care. My life as a Christian reflects the kingdom of heaven by my participation in and creation of Christian community, practice of hard work, intimate conversation with God through prayer, continual intellectual stimulation and learning, taking care of my body through exercise, and even spending time on hobbies and fun. As is almost always the case with God, his plan begins on the inside – with me. The kingdom is furthered in my life, and it’s contagious. Before long, the Church and the rest of the world are inexorably drawn unto and into the eternity of Life that is the kingdom of heaven.
Our daily lives, when viewed with the correct perspective, are able to transcend our temporal experiences and routines, becoming something greater than even what we can perceive. Even suffering does not deter us because our purpose is for something greater than our own comfort. We do not look forward to our death as the beginning of eternity with God; we are able to adopt Paul’s attitude that “to live is Christ and to die is gain” because heaven does not begin when we die (Philippians 1:21). Heaven is ongoing wherever followers of Jesus – the salt and light – exist. Death pales to insignificance in the light of eternal Life in God’s kingdom. The kingdom of God glorifies the name of God because it exemplifies the characteristics of God. Humanity is not needed to simply sing His praises; the Bible states that mere rocks can do that (Luke 19:40). What men and women on Earth are able to do that nothing else in Creation is capable of is to personify, expand, and advance the kingdom of heaven.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Praise God, from Whom all Blessings Flow
Lord, it blows my mind when I think of all the countless ways you've blessed my life. And those are just the ones I'm aware of. Someday I'll realize them all, and I'm sure I'll be speechless. Or perhaps I'll have the perfect words.
Not only have you chosen and predestined me to be in relationship with you, to be an heir to your kingdom, but in this life - this miniscule blip in the span of eternity - you have blessed my socks off. You know better than anyone that I've not done a single thing to deserve it, and sometimes I continue to fail to live up to my position as your child. Forgive me, God.
I do not know how to change myself. I beg of you to change me. Change my mind - renew it. I need you.
With all the blessings You've given me in this life, Father, I frequently fall into the trap of attachment. I love the people and the experiences I have here on this planet. But I choose from this day forward to lead my heart and lead my desires so that what I want more than anything else is you. I want your presence, and I need your power and love. I desire a great many things for my life and for myself and for the people I love and care about. But I choose to desire to be in your presence, and for your presence to be in this world. It's not easy. It won't be easy, and I beg forgiveness, God, for when my mind's eye wanders.
You have so many promises in your word - I know Paul was plagued by an unknown sin, and I know that you do not look on the outward appearance, but at my heart. I know that you do not bless and fill the righteous - but those who hunger for You, who thirst for Your righteousness. I should take heart at these and more, but I can but see my failings. Help me to understand Your love, to see myself through your eyes.
God I love you so much....come into my life and revolutionize it. I don't know that I can lessen how much I seek the amazing things you've placed in my life, but I do choose to seek you above all those other things. Place a hunger and a thirst and a desperate longing in my soul for you. I beg. Come Lord Jesus, enter my innermost being.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Not only have you chosen and predestined me to be in relationship with you, to be an heir to your kingdom, but in this life - this miniscule blip in the span of eternity - you have blessed my socks off. You know better than anyone that I've not done a single thing to deserve it, and sometimes I continue to fail to live up to my position as your child. Forgive me, God.
I do not know how to change myself. I beg of you to change me. Change my mind - renew it. I need you.
With all the blessings You've given me in this life, Father, I frequently fall into the trap of attachment. I love the people and the experiences I have here on this planet. But I choose from this day forward to lead my heart and lead my desires so that what I want more than anything else is you. I want your presence, and I need your power and love. I desire a great many things for my life and for myself and for the people I love and care about. But I choose to desire to be in your presence, and for your presence to be in this world. It's not easy. It won't be easy, and I beg forgiveness, God, for when my mind's eye wanders.
You have so many promises in your word - I know Paul was plagued by an unknown sin, and I know that you do not look on the outward appearance, but at my heart. I know that you do not bless and fill the righteous - but those who hunger for You, who thirst for Your righteousness. I should take heart at these and more, but I can but see my failings. Help me to understand Your love, to see myself through your eyes.
God I love you so much....come into my life and revolutionize it. I don't know that I can lessen how much I seek the amazing things you've placed in my life, but I do choose to seek you above all those other things. Place a hunger and a thirst and a desperate longing in my soul for you. I beg. Come Lord Jesus, enter my innermost being.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Spirit of God
"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."
Acts 1:8
I am loving learning about the Holy Spirit right now. The greek word used in Acts here is "pneuma." The word's literal meaning is "breath" or "wind," related to "to breath or blow." (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pneuma) Even aside from the obvious comparisons to the awesome power that wind posesses (tornadoes, hurricanes, etc), this is such a cool description of how the Holy Spirit works. My thoughts were immediately drawn to the wind on the sea or a lake. I don't know if you've ever been sailing, but it's something I've got a little bit of experience with. But the basic principle behind it is that you adjust the angle of the sail on your boat to catch more or less wind, depending on how fast you want to go. And it occurred to me that this is how the Holy Spirit works in our lives. We align our lives to whatever "angle" we want Him to work. Sometimes we sail with our sheet at an acute angle to the Wind - we only get a little Holy breeze. Sometimes we give Him a little more. Sometimes, and I've been here, we sail directly against the wind, go 180 degrees against what we know God's Spirit is telling us. And do you know where a sailboat goes when it's pointed against the wind? Same place that our lives as Christians go. Absolutely nowhere. You stay exactly where you are, if you don't move backward. And I've done all this. But sometimes - SOMETIMES - we open up our sails all the way, completely in line with where the Breath of God is blowing. And when that happens, our lives simply fly across this water we call life. God shows up. Crazy things happen. It's simply awesome. So I wanna ask you - what angle is your sail at?
Living the Dream.....
Acts 1:8
I am loving learning about the Holy Spirit right now. The greek word used in Acts here is "pneuma." The word's literal meaning is "breath" or "wind," related to "to breath or blow." (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pneuma) Even aside from the obvious comparisons to the awesome power that wind posesses (tornadoes, hurricanes, etc), this is such a cool description of how the Holy Spirit works. My thoughts were immediately drawn to the wind on the sea or a lake. I don't know if you've ever been sailing, but it's something I've got a little bit of experience with. But the basic principle behind it is that you adjust the angle of the sail on your boat to catch more or less wind, depending on how fast you want to go. And it occurred to me that this is how the Holy Spirit works in our lives. We align our lives to whatever "angle" we want Him to work. Sometimes we sail with our sheet at an acute angle to the Wind - we only get a little Holy breeze. Sometimes we give Him a little more. Sometimes, and I've been here, we sail directly against the wind, go 180 degrees against what we know God's Spirit is telling us. And do you know where a sailboat goes when it's pointed against the wind? Same place that our lives as Christians go. Absolutely nowhere. You stay exactly where you are, if you don't move backward. And I've done all this. But sometimes - SOMETIMES - we open up our sails all the way, completely in line with where the Breath of God is blowing. And when that happens, our lives simply fly across this water we call life. God shows up. Crazy things happen. It's simply awesome. So I wanna ask you - what angle is your sail at?
Living the Dream.....
Monday, February 22, 2010
How's Your Walk, Child?
Someone asked me recently how my spiritual walk was. Of course I answered something cookie-cutter, but I thought about it later, and I realized that a better answer would have been something along the lines of "I have never had more questions about my faith than I do right now." It would have been true, vague, and would for sure have gotten an entertaining response....and before you start wondering about me, allow me to elaborate: I have never felt closer to God than I do right now. I have never felt more loved BY God than I do right now. I have never been so at peace in my entire life. And because I am in this loving relationship, I know that I am free to ask absolutely any question at all with no fear of judgement or consequence. It's really something else.... :)
Living the Dream.....
Living the Dream.....
Psalm 23 in My Life
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD,
I am a sheep. I've said before in the past that I don't make a good sheep. And I didn't see that as a bad thing. It's been pressed on me since then the idea that you cannot be a shepherd until you've been a sheep. I HATE being a sheep. Lord change my heart. Make me YOUR sheep.
I SHALL NOT WANT.
I resolve to be content where He's placed me. There are so many things that I desire - and some of them are good things. I think maybe even most of them. But I fall into the trap of focusing on them to the exclusion of what's going on around me right now. I want a wife - I want financial security and self-sufficiency, among other things. But God wants other things. He wants me to be salt and light to the world - a beacon of hope to people filled with and surrounded by despair. And those aren't mutually exclusive. I am to live the life I've been given right now as though it has a purpose. Because it does.
HE MAKES ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES.
In Israel, both today and then, there isn't much in the way of green pastures. The pastures that are there for me to lie in are ones he's created for me. He's moved rocks and trees and cleared out dangerous animals - all for my benefit. I am right where the Lord has prepared for me to be. He has a reason for me being exactly where I am.
HE LEADS ME BESIDE STILL WATERS.
The Bible addresses worrying frequently. And never once is there a verse extolling its virtues. We're not to worry. No matter what the countryside looks like, we live a life beside still waters. God is a God who controls the wind and the waves and everything that goes on. Why the hell should I be afraid?
HE RESTORES MY SOUL.
It doesn't make sense for something as ethereal as a soul to be hurt, but my soul frequently becomes damaged. I sin. I sin repeatedly. I lose touch with God up to and past the point where I think there is no point in trying anymore. I also run myself at 100 miles an hour, burning the candle at both ends until my body, mind and soul are just exhausted. But God is more powerful than I realize. Just a touch from him - if I just let him, he forgives me. Like it never happened. He has shown me time and time again how far the east is from the west, but somehow I still forget. He has proven throughout history that his M.O. is to use the most broken, useless people to accomplish miracles and mighty works. Why do I think I'm different? The Lord has been described as a stream panted for by a thirsty deer. He can and does refresh and relieve. Lord....I immerse my soul in you. Restore its vitality and purify it.
HE LEADS ME IN PATHS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
He blazed the trail. He leads me. He leads us. He's not telling us to do something that hasn't been done before - we're not guinea pigs! He's been there, and he leads from the front, calling us to come and go where he's already been. It is possible. It's been done. It will be done again.
FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.
It's not about me. I make comments sometimes about not seeing the benefit, about what's in it for me - and as has been pointed out to me, it isn't about me. It's about God and His glory. I get no glory. I want no glory. Father, take your rightful place in the spotlight.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH,
The valley of the shadow of death. This really encouraged me; I have been afraid of many things, but I have never been afraid of death. Paul said that to live was Christ and to die was even better. I don't have a death wish, but in the psalmist's words, none of us even really experience death. Christ died. Jesus died so that I wouldn't have to experience it. All I experience is the shadow of it. I would much rather be run over by the shadow of a bus than by the real thing.
I WILL FEAR NO EVIL
....There are so many things that I fear. I fear inadequacy. I fear loneliness. I fear failure and letting down those I love and consequences and pain. But I squash all these fears into a cold, hard ball and force them down deep where nobody, not even myself, knows they're there anymore. But that's not God's plan. He intends for us to expose our fears. Lay them at the foot of the cross. Deny them power by exposing them to light. But not even just exposing them to God. We have been given other people to live this life with, to share our doubts and fears and inadequacies with. To be transparent with.
FOR YOU ARE WITH ME.
YOU. The God who created sunsets and sunrises, the Rocky Mountains and the Grand Canyon, the oceans and the deserts and the polar ice caps and the ozone layer. You live alongside me. In everything from major life decisions to what I should wear today. In heartbreak and laughter, in music and silence. The Creator of the universe walks by my side because He wants to be with me.
YOUR ROD AND YOUR STAFF, THEY COMFORT ME.
Life is, for lack of a better word, intense. I am surrounded by obstacles and challenges that can be, at times, claustrophobic. But God has promised us that there is nothing we've been given that we can't handle or deal with. There is always a solution, even when I can't see it. God has a rod and a staff.
YOU PREPARE A TABLE BEFORE ME IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES.
Peter's greatest failure. Jesus predicted his denial. And immediately, Peter was outraged and disagreed loudly and vehemently. But before the night was over, the rooster crowed, Christ was proven right, and Peter was proven not only a coward and a traitor, but a hypocrite and a liar. How often have I been there? "Lord, I swear I'll never do it again. I'll never even look at her chest, I'll never again masturbate or lie or......" Purest of intentions. Believing every word coming out of my mouth. Proving myself a liar, a hypocrite, a traitor, a coward, and an idiot. Proving myself unfit. After Peter did this, even after Jesus rose from the dead, Peter went fishing. He went back to the insignificant life he knew before he was called to something greater. BCC. He went back to what he knew. How could Jesus possibly want him now? But God didn't leave him there. His Lord did want him. What did Jesus do? He made Peter breakfast. In plain sight of the Father, the devil, and every one of the other ten men who witnessed Peter's failure. He prepared a table. He prepared a table and gave Peter his life's assignment. His mission and calling. Lord......when I hear your call....sensitize my ears. I will come running. I thank you not only that you CAN use me, but even more unbelievably, that you will.
YOU ANNOINT MY HEAD WITH OIL.
I squirm when I hear words like "annointing." But I have been annointed. Even as I write this, my upper lip curls just a little bit. Annointing has a purpose however. And learning this helps me embrace it. When a shepherd annointed a sheep (of which I am one, remember), it was for one of two main purposes. Protection and healing. Protection from flies and from hurting one another (scent and lubrication, respectively). God's annointing and calling to a holy life protects me from what the world can infect me with - and it is an infection. Who desires an infection? Why would I desire the ways of the world? And protection from quarrels. Paul writes, telling us to remain above reproach so that no man may have any bad thing to say about us. And finally, possibly most needed, for healing. I've been wounded. I've been wounded by those I love, those I have loved, and by those I didn't even know. God pours the oil of his purpose and bigger picture onto me, and I am able to not only look past my pain but to look THROUGH it and to move beyond it to living effectively and bigger than me. Finally, I have to remind myself who annoints me. I don't annoint myself. My parents don't annoint me. My school doesn't. And neither does my pastor or my church. It is God's annointing, and no one else's. I must keep that in mind.
MY CUP OVERFLOWS.
Some people have this idea that the amount that God can forgive is limited. I thank Him so so so much that is not true. God doesn't just pour out mercy and grace as it's needed. He pours out an abundance - and He never runs out. Nothing I can do/think/say can cause Him to love me any less - or any more. He has placed my value as such that He finds a way, through all my rotten nature, to be with me. To bless me. I live a life of blessing. I worry about how to pay for school - I live a life where higher education is an option. How can I possibly worry about something as trivial as money? How can I possibly justify not giving it back to Him? I have not tithed consistently since I was fifteen. Where is my faith? I'm not even giving Him an opportunity. It's ALL His. Why would I hold back a tenth of it? Thank you Lord. Thank you for all You've promised, delivered on, and go above and beyond with.
SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY SHALL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE,
Casting Crowns has lyrics that say "He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction." I've run in the wrong direction. It's amazing that no matter how far we run, no matter how long we've gone in the wrong direction, when we turn around, we don't have to make up the distance back to God. And it's a good thing, too. Because we couldn't! And we don't even have to make up any of that distance. He meets us right exactly where we turn around to come back to Him. That entire time, that entire distance, we've been followed by goodness and mercy. In the words of Max Lucado, "Not goodness alone, for we are sinners in need of mercy. Not mercy alone, for we are fragile, in need of goodness. We need them both." And what form do these take? How many times have you been on the edge of collapse and exhaustion and you were sure you weren't going to make it? I've been there more than I can remember - seems like more often the older I get. And something happens - a sunrise, a sunset, a random act of kindness from someone you've never seen before and will never see again, a kind word from someone you love. God reaches out to me through all these ways.
AND I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER.
"This is my temporary home. It's not where I belong. Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through. This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going. I'm not afraid because I know this is my Temporary Home." Carrie Underwood hits it on the nail. There is a plan - a place for us to go. It's been waiting for us - for me - since the creation of the universe. I don't belong here.
Living the Dream.....
I am a sheep. I've said before in the past that I don't make a good sheep. And I didn't see that as a bad thing. It's been pressed on me since then the idea that you cannot be a shepherd until you've been a sheep. I HATE being a sheep. Lord change my heart. Make me YOUR sheep.
I SHALL NOT WANT.
I resolve to be content where He's placed me. There are so many things that I desire - and some of them are good things. I think maybe even most of them. But I fall into the trap of focusing on them to the exclusion of what's going on around me right now. I want a wife - I want financial security and self-sufficiency, among other things. But God wants other things. He wants me to be salt and light to the world - a beacon of hope to people filled with and surrounded by despair. And those aren't mutually exclusive. I am to live the life I've been given right now as though it has a purpose. Because it does.
HE MAKES ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES.
In Israel, both today and then, there isn't much in the way of green pastures. The pastures that are there for me to lie in are ones he's created for me. He's moved rocks and trees and cleared out dangerous animals - all for my benefit. I am right where the Lord has prepared for me to be. He has a reason for me being exactly where I am.
HE LEADS ME BESIDE STILL WATERS.
The Bible addresses worrying frequently. And never once is there a verse extolling its virtues. We're not to worry. No matter what the countryside looks like, we live a life beside still waters. God is a God who controls the wind and the waves and everything that goes on. Why the hell should I be afraid?
HE RESTORES MY SOUL.
It doesn't make sense for something as ethereal as a soul to be hurt, but my soul frequently becomes damaged. I sin. I sin repeatedly. I lose touch with God up to and past the point where I think there is no point in trying anymore. I also run myself at 100 miles an hour, burning the candle at both ends until my body, mind and soul are just exhausted. But God is more powerful than I realize. Just a touch from him - if I just let him, he forgives me. Like it never happened. He has shown me time and time again how far the east is from the west, but somehow I still forget. He has proven throughout history that his M.O. is to use the most broken, useless people to accomplish miracles and mighty works. Why do I think I'm different? The Lord has been described as a stream panted for by a thirsty deer. He can and does refresh and relieve. Lord....I immerse my soul in you. Restore its vitality and purify it.
HE LEADS ME IN PATHS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
He blazed the trail. He leads me. He leads us. He's not telling us to do something that hasn't been done before - we're not guinea pigs! He's been there, and he leads from the front, calling us to come and go where he's already been. It is possible. It's been done. It will be done again.
FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE.
It's not about me. I make comments sometimes about not seeing the benefit, about what's in it for me - and as has been pointed out to me, it isn't about me. It's about God and His glory. I get no glory. I want no glory. Father, take your rightful place in the spotlight.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH,
The valley of the shadow of death. This really encouraged me; I have been afraid of many things, but I have never been afraid of death. Paul said that to live was Christ and to die was even better. I don't have a death wish, but in the psalmist's words, none of us even really experience death. Christ died. Jesus died so that I wouldn't have to experience it. All I experience is the shadow of it. I would much rather be run over by the shadow of a bus than by the real thing.
I WILL FEAR NO EVIL
....There are so many things that I fear. I fear inadequacy. I fear loneliness. I fear failure and letting down those I love and consequences and pain. But I squash all these fears into a cold, hard ball and force them down deep where nobody, not even myself, knows they're there anymore. But that's not God's plan. He intends for us to expose our fears. Lay them at the foot of the cross. Deny them power by exposing them to light. But not even just exposing them to God. We have been given other people to live this life with, to share our doubts and fears and inadequacies with. To be transparent with.
FOR YOU ARE WITH ME.
YOU. The God who created sunsets and sunrises, the Rocky Mountains and the Grand Canyon, the oceans and the deserts and the polar ice caps and the ozone layer. You live alongside me. In everything from major life decisions to what I should wear today. In heartbreak and laughter, in music and silence. The Creator of the universe walks by my side because He wants to be with me.
YOUR ROD AND YOUR STAFF, THEY COMFORT ME.
Life is, for lack of a better word, intense. I am surrounded by obstacles and challenges that can be, at times, claustrophobic. But God has promised us that there is nothing we've been given that we can't handle or deal with. There is always a solution, even when I can't see it. God has a rod and a staff.
YOU PREPARE A TABLE BEFORE ME IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES.
Peter's greatest failure. Jesus predicted his denial. And immediately, Peter was outraged and disagreed loudly and vehemently. But before the night was over, the rooster crowed, Christ was proven right, and Peter was proven not only a coward and a traitor, but a hypocrite and a liar. How often have I been there? "Lord, I swear I'll never do it again. I'll never even look at her chest, I'll never again masturbate or lie or......" Purest of intentions. Believing every word coming out of my mouth. Proving myself a liar, a hypocrite, a traitor, a coward, and an idiot. Proving myself unfit. After Peter did this, even after Jesus rose from the dead, Peter went fishing. He went back to the insignificant life he knew before he was called to something greater. BCC. He went back to what he knew. How could Jesus possibly want him now? But God didn't leave him there. His Lord did want him. What did Jesus do? He made Peter breakfast. In plain sight of the Father, the devil, and every one of the other ten men who witnessed Peter's failure. He prepared a table. He prepared a table and gave Peter his life's assignment. His mission and calling. Lord......when I hear your call....sensitize my ears. I will come running. I thank you not only that you CAN use me, but even more unbelievably, that you will.
YOU ANNOINT MY HEAD WITH OIL.
I squirm when I hear words like "annointing." But I have been annointed. Even as I write this, my upper lip curls just a little bit. Annointing has a purpose however. And learning this helps me embrace it. When a shepherd annointed a sheep (of which I am one, remember), it was for one of two main purposes. Protection and healing. Protection from flies and from hurting one another (scent and lubrication, respectively). God's annointing and calling to a holy life protects me from what the world can infect me with - and it is an infection. Who desires an infection? Why would I desire the ways of the world? And protection from quarrels. Paul writes, telling us to remain above reproach so that no man may have any bad thing to say about us. And finally, possibly most needed, for healing. I've been wounded. I've been wounded by those I love, those I have loved, and by those I didn't even know. God pours the oil of his purpose and bigger picture onto me, and I am able to not only look past my pain but to look THROUGH it and to move beyond it to living effectively and bigger than me. Finally, I have to remind myself who annoints me. I don't annoint myself. My parents don't annoint me. My school doesn't. And neither does my pastor or my church. It is God's annointing, and no one else's. I must keep that in mind.
MY CUP OVERFLOWS.
Some people have this idea that the amount that God can forgive is limited. I thank Him so so so much that is not true. God doesn't just pour out mercy and grace as it's needed. He pours out an abundance - and He never runs out. Nothing I can do/think/say can cause Him to love me any less - or any more. He has placed my value as such that He finds a way, through all my rotten nature, to be with me. To bless me. I live a life of blessing. I worry about how to pay for school - I live a life where higher education is an option. How can I possibly worry about something as trivial as money? How can I possibly justify not giving it back to Him? I have not tithed consistently since I was fifteen. Where is my faith? I'm not even giving Him an opportunity. It's ALL His. Why would I hold back a tenth of it? Thank you Lord. Thank you for all You've promised, delivered on, and go above and beyond with.
SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY SHALL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE,
Casting Crowns has lyrics that say "He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction." I've run in the wrong direction. It's amazing that no matter how far we run, no matter how long we've gone in the wrong direction, when we turn around, we don't have to make up the distance back to God. And it's a good thing, too. Because we couldn't! And we don't even have to make up any of that distance. He meets us right exactly where we turn around to come back to Him. That entire time, that entire distance, we've been followed by goodness and mercy. In the words of Max Lucado, "Not goodness alone, for we are sinners in need of mercy. Not mercy alone, for we are fragile, in need of goodness. We need them both." And what form do these take? How many times have you been on the edge of collapse and exhaustion and you were sure you weren't going to make it? I've been there more than I can remember - seems like more often the older I get. And something happens - a sunrise, a sunset, a random act of kindness from someone you've never seen before and will never see again, a kind word from someone you love. God reaches out to me through all these ways.
AND I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER.
"This is my temporary home. It's not where I belong. Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through. This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going. I'm not afraid because I know this is my Temporary Home." Carrie Underwood hits it on the nail. There is a plan - a place for us to go. It's been waiting for us - for me - since the creation of the universe. I don't belong here.
Living the Dream.....
Can.....Open.....Worms......Everywhere.....
**
Obviously abortion is wrong. Obviously I'm against it. And - you would think also obviously - that is a view that is shared by the Christian community. Is this another area where we are hypocrites? I knew that less than 1% of abortions were a result of rape. I knew that more than 90% were a result of inconvenience. But I did NOT know that almost EIGHTY PERCENT are done by Christians. WTF? (pardon my unchristian) Being my scientific nerd self, I right away came up with a hypothesis as to WHY this phenomena is here - Christians are less likely to use a condom because if they don't buy condoms they weren't PLANNING to have sex, so that makes it marginally OK - but still.....THAT MANY OF US ARE COWARDS? I guess it makes sense. You're weak enough to conceive the child, why not be cowardly enough to kill it. Wow. I'm amazed right now. Infuriated. I would have a hard time taking us seriously too, if I was the rest of the world.
Living the Dream......
**I haven't checked up on these statistics. I'm assuming they're at least relatively close to accurate.
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