I am, by either nature or by nurture, a very private person. I revel in being seen and described as inscrutable because I don't like for anyone to be able to read me - to tell what's going on inside my head. That's a whole other thing to explore - probably by a professional; but the point at this time is that this has made it difficult to maintain this blog or a handwritten journal or anything like that with something even approaching consistency. So for the first time in 30 months and the second time in 103, I'm writing a post. I will probably continue to infrequently come back to this because I'm told by those wiser than myself that getting my thoughts and feelings out of my head to any degree is better than not at all.
Sorry not sorry - I am who I am, and while I may someday do better, it will probably not be anytime all that soon. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I think the thing I miss the most about being married was the sense of certainty that having someone as MY person gave me. I had this internal swagger, a seemingly unshakable foundation built on the fact that no matter what happened - no matter the circumstances - no matter how bad it got, whatever life threw at US, we were going to be able to handle it. No matter what else got stripped away, we had each other, and that would be enough to help get our feet back under us, every time. I had a ride-or-die. I was a ride-or-die. And all the rest of everything else could fuck right off in comparison.
As it turns out, this was somewhat misplaced certainty. And my ability or even desire to achieve that level of one-ness and partnership again with anyone new aside, I had an interesting realization this weekend at church.
The Greek word used to describe the Holy Spirit when Jesus introduces the concept to his disciples is "paraclete," loosely translated as "one who comes alongside" - like an invaluable partner. That definition reminded me of maybe 8 years ago when I was first introduced to the Hebrew word "ezer kenegdo," translated from Genesis as "help-mate" in describing Eve's relationship to Adam. Both have a linguistic connotation of irreplacability, of that crucial X-factor without which the whole thing just doesn't work.
I think I've probably heard before that the meanings are similar - there's an implication that God's intention for the dynamics of a marriage relationship is comparable to the that of the Holy Spirit to the Christian. Understanding one helps you to understand the other. Or maybe it's just one of those things where you "get it" more once it's gone. But that foundational thing I miss from being married - maybe the lesson to take here is that God can fill that void with Himself. That's the way it's supposed to work. He's my ride-or-die too.
If I'm being honest, this all makes me sound way more spiritual than I actually am at this season in my life. The thought of that degree of intimacy with God honestly makes my skin crawl and my emotional walls snap into place. And I objectively know that nobody is more trustworthy than God, right? I apparently just know more deeply that nobody is actually trustworthy at all. So I need room to grow and change just like the rest of us. But realizations like this maybe are a step in the right direction?
I think it's gonna be alright.
No comments:
Post a Comment