Me and My Sin

Lately there's been something on my mind and on my heart. Something that, if we're truly honest, is relatively unpopular/uncomfortable in Christian circles. Sin. More specifically, my attitude toward it. For a long time, I enjoyed sin, even though I knew it was wrong. Then I stopped caring that it was wrong. Then, as my friend Kendra would tell you, God's jealousy for me caused him to smack me and my life right in the face with a big old 2x4. I repented, turned my back on my sin for the sake of a relationship with my redeeming Creator. But I was like Lot's wife - I looked back every once in a while. Friends. Fond memories. Good times. Depraved fun. And a part of me missed it.

Looking back on the last year and a half, I've come to the conclusion that the life of a man following Christ has no room for conflict on this subject. Through the ups and downs of my life and of my walk with God (which didn't necessarily coincide, but that's a whole separate rant), I was many things; I was passionate, I was smart, I was honest, and I was bold. I was not consistent, however. And without consistency, there can't be true integrity.

Let me back up a little bit to the basics. Many people, myself included, have or still do view this salvation thing as a free ticket - not to the gun show, but to eternal paradise. And that's true. It can work that way. But that's not what's intended - that's not the big picture. It's only the tip of the iceberg.

Others have had some amazing God moments, some experiences that cause them to view it as this lovey-dovey-warm-fuzzy good feeling of a friendship with the Big Guy. Relationship. God wrapping his loving arms around you, drawing you in just so he can be with you and you can be with him and have someone to protect you when you go through hard times. And that's just as true. God's unconditional love is absolutely critical. But there is still an aspect missing. An aspect, I've realized, that if left out of the equation - leaves the two I just mentioned not only irrelevant, but impotent to change your life.

What's missing is purity - perfection. The truth is that I'm not a good person. I am sick. I am depraved, disgusting, deplorable, and countless other negative adjectives that may or may not start with the letter D. My body and mind crave the things that are opposite God's nature - that is, evil. Lust. Pride. Greed. Self-centeredness. Crave. And no matter how I long to know my Father, no matter how I try to convince myself that momentary pleasure isn't worth damaging the most important relationship anyone can have and that I've had the privilege of being given a second chance at, I continue to fail. I continue to let Him down and in all likelihood, will continue to do so. Though my spirit cries out in what seems like physical pain at the things I do, think, and say, nothing changes. I am trapped in this sick, twisted, and dark identity that is Bobby Mock. My sin is a chain, a scourge, and a jeering mob, all wrapped up in one three-letter word.

I was driving home from class tonight, listening to Casting Crowns, when some lyrics seemed to strike to the core of me:

Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me
("Set me Free" by Casting Crowns)

I screamed those words at the top of my lungs. I realized something I'd already known but never truly understood. That I think few really do. There's a point I really think you have to reach that makes all the difference. As of tonight, I HATE my sin. LOATHE it. Literally makes me sick. The other aspect of this Christian life is rescue. True redemption from the person that you were by the only One capable. Christ is the only one who holds the key to the manacles you might not even know you wear. The only antidote to the poison some don't even realize is close to killing them.

God will change me, probably in ways I still don't know need changing. I dare all of you to watch and see him show up in my life. I dare you to start hating. Start hating; the moment you do, you cease to be the person you were and you can truly begin to love what is......for lack of a better word, right.

And just in case y'all thought I was just making it all up.....

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
2 Corinthians 5:17

The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. - John 12:25

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Romans 12:9

Living the Dream.....